I go to school with a bunch of ignorant fools.
It’s ridiculous how many of them there are and how idiotic they can get.
Heterotelic curiosity.
I can not even emphasize how tiresome it is to manage the stress of indecisive wants and needs. Sometimes it’s so hard to distinct the difference between the two, because the ability to want something can be so powerful, it does feel as if you need it.
The nights where I lay in my bed, alone, as anyone else would… I ponder. All the thoughts that haunt me suddenly appear. All my fears become apparent, so bold and so frightening, yet my only fear is myself. I do not loathe who I’ve become, but I do become anxious when the thought of who I used to be comes to mind. How naive, ignorant, ungrateful I was. The list could go on… It hasn’t been too long, but when life spirals rapidly, and grown situations come hand in hand to deal with, you can’t help mature. I did.
Bad decisions are always good for any nostalgic time; a story to tell, to look back on, to laugh… maybe even cry. With time, comes responsibility. & For some, unfortunately, that time never occurs.
Anger, oh so infuriating emotions, past occurrences that caused incessant stacks of animosity, it consumes me. I cannot say I’m not eternally grateful for all the people that are in my life, I am. I cannot say I’m the most affluent person on the earth, but I do applaud to all that have provided for me. But, the material things that most people tend to dwell on are not significant to me as they used to be. What is, then?
Happiness. I don’t believe that happiness is any normal feeling, because just as anger— it comes, and it goes. The state in which I generally feel is not, “okay” or “content,” it’s neutral. I do not feel anything, when I’m not angry or happy. Of course, I may be stressed.. but when am I not?
The most opposing emotions seem to lead to the same path, for me anyway. I suppose that’s why I stumble into confusion when I’m in a consistent trail to happiness, all of a sudden I concur with anger. Pure hatred, anger, loathing on a new level, towards myself.
& I will be quite honest, I’ve wanted to give up, so long ago. The only reason why I push forward and conquer, is my father. The success I’m capable of achieving and motivation to attain that gratitude is solely from my dad. He’s the only person who’s taught me that without education & knowledge of the world we live in, you really ain’t shit.
The monster I contain in my being daunts me during desolate nights as these. I can only hope for the sun to rise a little faster, and my eyes to become a little heavier. But even then, my dreams seem to tease me too.
